The Emasculation of Women

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  • What would you do to a wh*re?

    So I decided to try a free active stretch session offered by a local stretch franchise company. I went in with my neon pink and blue waist length braids and during the intake I told them that I pole dance (because they asked) and my stretch goal is to get my side and middle splits. Great franchise, I love the idea of it, great session, and also great customer service but there is something I have to get off my chest about that whole experience. The person who did my stretch is a young man in his 30’s. His goal was to try to sell me a stretch package. But 2 things stood out in my interaction with him:

    1. When I was asking questions to determine if their active stretch plus PNF program was going to help me achieve my splits goals, he mentioned that he has only had one other client who does pole but he said our situations are different because she only poled for leisure implying that I pole for a living (that I am a sex worker).
    2. Also when I asked for evidence of his assertion that I will get the results I seek in 6-8weeks, he seemed indignant that I wasn’t taking his word for it. A sentiment that seemed to acknowledge the power differential between a (presumed sex worker) and a physical therapist and was akin to, who are you to question my expertise?

    Indeed. Who is a sex worker to question a consummate professional? Well, she is definitely seen as a member of a different (and lower) caste who should feel lucky that a professional of a higher caste deigned to speak to her about his very important work. Ahem…Women, sex and power. I will address this later. But back to the story. The entire interaction left me with a very familiar fear in my body. The fear of being mistaken for a wh*re. Let me explain what I mean by wh*re. I mean a woman who loves sex, knows herself sexually, knows how to give herself sexual pleasure, how to receive it in partnered sex, knows what her body wants, knows how to start her own sexual engine and knows and feels comfortable being outspoken about her desires, being witnessed with a robust sexual appetite and knowing and stating her F yes and her F No around sex and sexual encounters. That is who I mean when I say a wh*re. 

     I understand this word is a provocative one and can be triggering for some readers. I choose to use it here as a way of reclaiming it. A way of owning and disarming a label that is supposed to induce shame. And along the way making a statement that there is nothing shameful or wrong about a woman who owns the depth and breath of her sexual self expression.

    If you are a woman reading this, chances are, you are very familiar with this fear of being seen as a wh*re. The fear of what men (and women- society in general) believe is okay to do to you or have done to you because you are not a sexual novice or because you are unapologetic about claiming this part of yourself. 

    Let’s break this down some more: In general women are raised to believe rightly or wrongly that men would treat a woman they consider to be a wh*re with any kind of disrespect and disregard, and get no consequences for it because everyone knows that’s what she deserves. They can use the wh*re’s body for their pleasure without concern for her needs because this is what she is for; society believes that the wh*re does not need protection and she deserves whatever sexual and bodily violations and boundary crossings she gets from men or sexual partners. In fact, most people believe that if one is a wh*re, then she is automatically consenting for her body to be used by men for pleasure as they see fit: cat calls, non-consensual touching, undignified treatments, all the way up to sexual assault and rape. In this world where the consequences of being seen as a wh*re can be this dangerous, how can women know what their true sexual desire and appetite is? In a world where it can be life threatening to be a sexually voracious woman, can any woman really explore being anything else other than a sexual novice and/or a sexual puritan?

     Here’s a short story. I was having my hair done by a hair braider who is a single mom in her mid to late 20’s. Love island was playing on TV in the salon so naturally our conversation veered to dating and sex. In response to an interaction between a love island couple, I said that women cannot know who they are as sexual beings or what their sexual desires truly are because society has very harsh judgements and penalties directed at us if our sexual self expression is outside of a very narrow approved way of being? To have a robust sexual appetite as a woman starts veering uncomfortably close to the dangerous circumstance of being seen as a wh*re. To know your body, have a smogaabord of desires, be able to ask for them and hold sexual partners to fully honoring them? Now that’s miles deep into wh*re territory. A woman growing up around this conditioning (and that’s most women) would not know what she wants sexually because it is too dangerous to toe that fine line of hanging at the edge of wh*re territory. 

      I didn’t tell her all of this but you get the gist. You can’t really know what your ‘natural’ sexual expression is if it is only safe to have a narrow and limited sexual appetite. My hair braider disagreed with me and said she really doesn’t like sex that much and it’s just the way she is. It has nothing to do with societal expectations or programming. So I thought, wow, that’s interesting and asked to her to tell me more. We continued the conversation and then she got to the part where she said she modifies her behavior in order not to be mistaken for a “loose woman” (read wh*re) because of how that puts her at risk of having her No’s not respected when on a date. Specifically how that increases her risk of being raped, being treated with disrespect by a partner, how that brings up the fear that if she is on a date with a man who presumes her to be a wh*re, she would not risk kissing him because she runs the risk of him taking that as consent for everything else. In other words, she too has the fear of being mistaken for a wh*re and what that means for her physical, emotional and psychological safety. She too, doesn’t know what she wants sexually because it is unsafe to explore that question. So while she had thought herself to be someone who has very limited sexual desires, from our conversation she realized that she doesn’t actually know if this is true because it is unsafe to explore what her desires are, you know try things on to see if they fit. Even the idea of herself as not wanting much sex comes from wanting to avoid being seen as a wh*re. This is what I was getting at. And it’s not just her or only in potential romantic interactions. 

       Here’s another context: In the professional sphere, I belong to the upper levels of a profession that many aspire to and few reach at that level. My profession also happens to be male dominated and confers unparalleled societal respectability and dignity, as well as financial rewards. As a member of this profession, and a woman, there has always been this unspoken idea that in order for a woman to be taken seriously in our field, she has to also not know where her clitoris is. In other words she has to be relatively asexual or sexually naive, she has to derive little or no pleasure from sex and in fact be too accomplished to engage in such frivolous activities. And if she is sexual, it is all neatly and secretly wrapped up without any signs of it seen in her public persona outside of her marital bedroom. Think the Hilary Clinton type. The very narrow A type professional woman who only has time for very serious issues and who also gives the appearance of being too mechanical, too robotic because….”clitoris, who?”; “Sexual pleasure? Who has time for that when I have a whole world to run?” I started noticing this more when I noticed a pattern of jokes that showed up in our professional all women’s private Facebook group. Every once in a while someone would post a picture of a woman dressed in a way that flaunts her sexuality and the poster would include a caption that would say something like, Who has time to dress like this? The implication being that we are too busy being the respected professionals we are and saving the world that we do not have time for frivolities like wearing clothing that flatter our body in that way. And then the post will be followed by a flurry of comments agreeing with the poster and echoing the sentiment that we are too busy doing more important things that we have no time or energy for such frivolities. I see this as a ritual of publicized sexual repression in order to boost one’s professional credibility. Yes, I know, none of the women in the group is conscious that that is exactly what they are doing but I see that that’s the game. Otherwise, why would anyone assume that every woman in our professional group sees and expresses their sexuality this way? Why would any woman assume that if one belongs to our profession, it also means that each person’s sexual self expression is unimportant and/or frivolous?

      When Kamala Harris was running for president, the go to talking point to discredit her was that she slept her way to the top. Interesting critic because it would have to ignore her accomplishments and also ignore the fact that because most Americans spend majority of their waking hours at work or career functions, it is pretty common for co-workers and individuals in the same professional space to date each other. Why should it be any different for her? Why would the people who haul this criticism at her believe it would have currency? While Hilary Clinton showed up as mechanical and robotic, Kamala Harris showed up as someone who has a sexual self but a sexual self that toed the line of respectability. You could see that in how her public personality was playful, and alive but stayed neatly within the prescribed lines of the good girl. You know what I am talking about? Another way to put it is that sexual life force shows up as charisma and when that’s turned off in the public space, one comes off as rigid and lacking color. How can one win public sentiment/office without charisma?

    Ludacris’ song Nasty Girl has a repeated line that says a “Lady in the street but a freak in the bed” and this line taps into this well known idea about women and how they get to be either respectful or sexually experienced but not both. As Ludacris’ lyrics imply, a lady is someone who is above sexuality and that is where her self respect, value as a person, professional credibility and dignity rest. The lady is the woman you can take home to your parents. That’s a lady. But then he wants her to be a freak in the bed as well meaning very sexually expressed but only behind closed doors. The rap song taps into this idea that a sexually connected woman (a wh*re) and the “lady” in the street cannot be one and the same. She has to be one or the other even as Ludacris is declaring his yearning for the unicorn woman who is both. 

    Ok so our society says a woman gets to choose between full sexual self expression vs. professional credibility and respectability. What does that mean for women who choose professional credibility/respectability? What does that mean for women who choose full sexual self expression and sexual sovereignty?

    Women who choose professional  credibility/respectability 

     Here, let’s look at this through a societal phenomenon that we have come to describe as the essence of women: decreased libido, decreased desire for sex, sexual coyness, inability to orgasm and if able to orgasm, almost certainly inability to have a cervical orgasm. I’m sure you’ve heard the story of women who get into long term relationships (or marriage) and suddenly their libido drops. If not you’ve certainly heard about women who fake orgasm because they are not enjoying the sex they are having and/or want to get it over with. Or you’ve heard of the story of women who give excuses like “I’m tired” or “I am not feeling well” to avoid having sex with their partners. When women have to subconsciously fear and avoid the danger of being seen as a wh*re either by others, by their partner or by themselves, in order to be respected, to be treated with dignity and be safe from rape or rape adjacent behaviors, they start avoiding sex… subconsciously like a dog avoids an electric fence. They can’t see it but they are fully aware that if they come anywhere near it they would be promptly zapped and it would hurt. When the hormone driven “new relationship energy” dies down and a relationship loses its shine and gains its comfortability, consciously stepping into the persona of a woman who desires and has sex (the persona of the wh*re), is as dangerous as bungee jumping or sky diving. Now the ritual among professional women of deriding freely sexually expressed women who dress in order to flaunt their sexuality, starts to make sense. You can see that these professional women are participating in behavior that is designed to elevate their professional credibility much like a man mansplaining in a conference room or proudly selling his accomplishments to anyone within earshot in professional spaces. This cause and effect of consequences of being seen as a wh*re and the way that most women express their sexuality doesn’t seem to be well understood in books on the subject. Example, books describe women’s sexual desire, in general, as responsive desire (as opposed to initiating spontaneously). And in this way suggests that there is something in the female essence that makes them more sexually responsive as opposed to acknowledging that anyone, male or female, who lives in a culture where having a robust and alive sexual desire is literally and figuratively dangerous,  will become more sexually responsive than sexually spontaneous or initiating because that is the safer option. Responding is a more passive way to own one’s desire than initiating. I disagree with such an understanding of female sexuality. Sexual responsiveness is not a feature of womanhood any more than drinking water is a feature of boyhood and not a normal response to thirst. Another misunderstanding of women’s sexuality is seen in books that talk about female sexual arousal as preceding desire as if this is some biological female essence as opposed to a defensive mechanism against the true danger of being seen as having a robust sexual desire. After all, the reason arousal preceeds sexual desire in many women is because in the aroused state, the hormones essentially take the wheel and the fear of being seen as a wh*re is over powered. Disclaimer: I am not saying that sexual responsiveness and sexual arousal preceding sexual desire is not naturally present in some women. I am saying it likely has a population distribution that is identical in both genders but conditioning means that even women who aren’t naturally this way, become that way out of conditioning not out of a natural predisposition to that way of sexual expression. 

    Women who choose sexual expertise/sovereignty

    For the women who choose sexual expertise and sexual sovereignty over respectability- the ones who have no fear of being seen as wh*res- they  are truly outside of respectable society and their lives are usually in danger with no one except other wh*re women to protect them. This means you are the mistress and not the wife; you are the one who comes in through the back door and not the one who hosts the family or work dinner parties. In societies and times not so long ago when money (and other resources like land) came to women almost exclusively through men, you can see how being this kind of woman was similar to a death sentence. A woman who chose her full sexual self expression did not have access to resources except as a prostitute but even then she was outside respectable society and therefore outside the protection of the law. Today, the wh*re is the one who a man can treat any way he pleases, usually by ignoring her boundaries, not seeking consent- and all the way to rape, with no accountability. She is the woman who cops rape when she calls them for help. She is the one who no one wants to be seen in public with. That’s her. She gets to be fully sexually expressed but she loses out on resources, respectability and her life is in constant danger. But, here is the other side of that coin. According to a quote ascribed to Oscar Wilde, “Everything in the world is about sex- except sex. Sex is about power.” So the woman who chooses to be fully sexually expressed is also the one who gets to keep all of her personal power. She is the one who stands equal in power to men but since she will never be respectable enough to be in respected professional spaces/careers, this power is only available in places where she is allowed into. She can have her personal power in underground spaces but when she shows up in main stream society, she has the power given to her by virtue of her being the wife of a man. This is why even in professional spaces like mine, women understand that the ritual of ridiculing other women for being sexually expressed in their clothing choices bolsters our professional respectability. This is why the Hilary Clinton’s of this world adapted to be as they are. They had to choose one, and they chose safety, and respectability but ended up getting the rest of the package which includes repression of the sexual self and the loss of aliveness that comes from that repression. The power parity that a fully sexually expressed  and sovereign woman (the wh*re) gets, explains this well known phenomenon where a married man develops a fuller and more intimate connection with a prostitute than his wife because his real self can only show up when he is with the prostitute. According to the psychologist Harriet Lerner in a 2014 psychology today article, “”Intimacy rests on two people who have a capacity to both listen and speak up, who have the courage to bring more and more of their full selves into the relationship… Both need equal power in defining what they want and what they really think and believe”. 

      This is the dilemma of sexual self expression, personal power and womanhood. This is the dilemma of the professional woman who wants to be respected and taken seriously on the professional stage. But also more broadly, this is why it is hard to know what the true sexual expression of women, as a whole, is and if sexual self expression, sexual appetite and voracity does indeed vary by gender. As a professional woman who left the corporate space, I am now reconnecting to my sexuality and how it wants to express itself. I am finding that there is a lot of power and life force available to me inside of my sexual self expression because sexual energy/turn on, is life force energy. It is what drives creativity, it is what brings color, life, fun, adventure to one’s life it is also what allows me access to my full personal power and aliveness. But it is the part of me that renders me resistant to subjugation by men. In that it is the very space in which a woman comes into as her home court, not as a visitor or foreigner in a male space into which she was granted permission to enter on the condition that she plays small or defers to men. I say space figuratively, as in a mental space, not literally as in a physical space. Because a woman who fully owns her sexuality and her entire life force is a force to reckon with, in any environment she finds herself. In other words, she is a complete human, not someone who has to show up with one hand tied behind her back. She fully occupies her body and fully stands in her territory without “niceness” or seeking permission to stand in her power; she fully asserts herself like someone who owns her space. Yes, society says she seduces men but men are not turned on by her because she is coming on to them directly or indirectly. Men are sexually turned on by her because power is the strongest aphrodisiac and power is what she unapologetically wields. 

  • Innocence

    ”Just play dumb. It works every single time.” That was my sister’s trick to getting men to be attracted to her. We were in our late teens, in college and whenever we wanted to prowl the cafeteria for men, that’s the line my sister gave. She was (still is) an attractive young woman , 6 ft 3, had modeled for a modeling agency but also was a serious medical professional …. to be. But that was her game for getting men and I watched her near 100% success rate and also noticed that it was a deception I could not, did not desire to, pull. I do not want to hide my knowing to make myself desirable to men.

    Now, a few decades later, I reflect on this idea and how it ties to innocence. As a kid, my nicknames were “Mama” from my siblings because I acted like one and certainly was a parent figure to my younger brothers when they were bullied at school and needed help standing up to their bullies. My other nickname was “know it all”. This one was from adults- our nannies used it as an accusation as they punished me more for my “ know it all”, my parents especially when it was seen as evidence that I was being bad (usually in the context of not being sufficiently surbordinate to authority figures like my dad or anybody older than myself); then as I got older by my ex- husband (although his brand of that nickname was “ you always run your mouth” or “ you talk back” or “ you don’t listen”); or as a working professional when my boss told me that “you don’t know your place”

    Now dear reader, if you are like me you know the “correct” way to think and believe when it comes to knowledge. You know that one’s knowledge isn’t something that varies with gender (or race). You know that people just know stuff that they know and pretending they don’t know doesn’t make you the big man on campus. We know that. But what else do we know? Well I’ll ask you. Have you ever feigned ignorance to get sympathy, pity or an acknowledgment of your humanity? Isn’t it super effective? What was the crime that Eve (and Adam to a lesser extent) committed in Genesis? Their crime was knowing. Their knowing took away their innocence and once they lost their innocence, they deserved punishment. The Bible makes it clear, the sin is knowledge, seeking knowledge.

    I want to say I can’t do what my sister did, I can’t adapt in that way to fit in society but the truth is, I have, many different times. I noticed that I kept my son’s hair long with its baby curls for way too long, well into elementary school because I wanted to protect him from being stripped of his innocence in the eyes of wider society, I know my chief reflexive response to men (and women) when I wanted to buy their good graces, was to feign ignorance. I know the reason that boss told me I didn’t know my place was because I displayed my knowing, in academic spaces, without trying to cover it or minimize it. I know that when I was written up by a boss years earlier and investigated, the damning answer that sealed my fate was “ I know”

    Why are innocence and knowledge treated as mutually exclusive traits?In spiritual circles why are women who know seen as bad marriage partners? Why is it an insult to a man to tell him that his female partner wears the pants in their relationship? Why are some men (and some women) eager to tell me all about how men are supposed to lead, provide and protect? It feels like a bdsm scene that has become a lifestyle, a Halloween costume that one can never take off. Because to those that police it, the argument isn’t that you don’t know or even to question the accuracy of your knowledge; the argument is that you deserve punishment for knowing. Meaning there needs to be a deterrent to obtaining knowledge. They know it’s a role they are asking you to assume- that of the ignorant- but they require this of you so that they can occupy the role of the knower. They know the roles aren’t real and it requires continuous suppression to maintain. So it brings up the question, why the performance? Does the emperor really believe he is clothed and we can’t see his bare ass flapping in the wind?

  • The full body hugs

    I left the burner express bus and carried my luggages- 1 heavy suitcase, 1 heavy military duffel bag, a large Coleman tent in its carry on bag and my carry on bag with a water bottle.

    Empty landscape, dusty as F. I had come early, on the Saturday afternoon before burning man week, not for build week but no worries, most camps hadn’t built yet. I know my camp had. Dragging my luggage through the dust, the first guy I asked for directions offered to carry my bags. Turns out he flew all the way from Belgium to attend… I believe this was his first burning man experience although he’d had many local burns. We were chatting while walking. Then we ran across someone who had a luggage cart. Turns out my luggage helper had loaned it to her. We hefted my luggage on the cart and the rest of the walk went a little more smoothly. Burning man spirit right there: openness and generosity, just like that

      As soon as I got to camp, a friendly lady welcomed me in. Then sent me to Ben, the tent setup person. Ben looked at me and said, go get something to eat, wind down and then we’ll work on your tent. Yes- food, rest…home

      Middle of the desert. It’s hot and F-ing dusty. I walk to the kitchen and there are all kinds of snacks. I grabbed a few granola and nut bars plus water. Oh! And I grabbed dried mango. The only thing missing was ice, or maybe even just cold water. But that’s ok, everything in this desert feels like a miracle…. Food that I didn’t procure myself feels like a miracle. A tent with a sofa and chairs- what? In the middle of no where. It feels like downright luxury. I sat in the common area and had a soulful chat with a tantric guy, let’s call him Lord. That chat with Lord turned out to be common place at burning man…. No fluff, just raw open honest connection. I shared with him what brought me here…I want to understand why being in the presence of men, combined with sexual energy on the table, makes me feel unsettled, scared, unable to stay grounded. He shared about one of his workshop me coming up in the week regarding partnered touch…. Connecting to oneself, then connecting to a partner, while staying connected to oneself. Then bringing presence, to self and the other. Then adding touch to that mix. Graduated consensual touch with full presence. Yummy! I definitely want to attend. Just as Lord and I were finishing our chat, Bear shows up. Bear is another member of our camp. They are a non-binary and male presenting person. Bear looks me in the eye and tells me something, I don’t remember what, I just remember feeling very flustered, unable to look away and completely unable to engage in conversation. Lord was still in my vicinity and I said to him, without looking away from Bear; this is what I was talking about. This is what I came here to explore and understand. Bear looked away and asked if I needed something to reground myself. I looked away as well and felt myself reconnecting to self. Oh ok, now I can answer your question. But that was intense. Yes it was. The men plus sexual energy mix that gets me ungrounded, scared and flustered. With Bear, what I felt was, I can’t hide and I want to. Their gaze seemed to penetrate me. Interesting. It wasn’t sexual attraction, it wasn’t even attraction (not that they aren’t good looking) it was the feeling that they could see through me and through all my defenses. Yes, that was intense. Another staple of burning man..the open desert, no trees, minimal shelter, just you and a few others against the elements; it tends to melt away masks. Perhaps that’s why the encounter with Bear affected me that much. 

     But the hugs, omg, the hugs. There was always the “Can I hug you?” Yes of course. And then a full bodied, full frontal hug, that usually lasted anywhere from 2-6 minutes (rough estimate). I wouldn’t be surprised if I clocked one of them at close to 10 minutes. Ah!  I feel a deep exhale just thinking about it right now. I can tell you, I am just over a week out from burning man and that’s what I miss the most.

      I grew up in a culture and family that is very heady. Our hugs are merely the 2 second partial body contact that I look forward to ending as quickly as possible. I say our hugs but it could just be my perspective of it. It could just be “my hug”. We don’t talk about sex or show bodily affection. The only talk of sex I heard growing up was the parish priest preaching about what women should avoid wearing in order not to tempt the men in church. Or talk about what makes a girl good (sexual naivety, also lack of sexual awareness or desire). Headlines has this quality of hyper vigilance associated with it. You can’t lose yourself or any amount of control when you are in your head. You can’t be observed, you are always the observer. 

      So back to burning man hugs. Full frontal body contact, where I first shift my body until I get to a comfortable stance and our bodies blend together. Then I notice I am holding my breath so I let out a big exhale. Then somehow, my breath synchronizes with his and I am comfortable and settled in. Then it goes on forever.

       Sometimes I haven’t showered, sometimes (many a times) the other hasn’t showered. It’s the desert, you are lucky if you have regular drinking water so shower water is another luxury. At our camp, we did have regular warm drinking water and we had a shower thing that is a bag half full of water, hoisted up. I am not sure who came up with it but I think it’s genius. Most campers don’t shower daily. I did….almost every day. Our camp was luxurious in that way. 

      So back to the hug. I wanna say, the body odor doesn’t bother me because the hug feels so good. It’s not sexual, it’s just homey. It feels like real human connection, like I am cared for, like I matter. 

      Ah! The burning man hugs.

      For sure, that’s what I miss the most. 

      For a few days after my return my young son and I shared burning man hugs (he wanted to start hugging like that after I told him about them) but after a while we went back to our regular hugs. I think withdrawal from human bodily contact is a good reason for my recent hyper irritability. Hugs are one of those things I don’t think I really need but then I start getting multiple times a day full body hugs for a whole week and now I wonder how I ever survived without them.

      A full body hug says to me- I am seen, I am accepted, I belong. Yes, belonging…taking that in feels like getting a glass of cold water with ice in the middle of the dusty, dry, hot desert. 

     And that’s the thing about the desert. Every human connection feels deeper because the masks are off, because it’s just us against the elements

  • Is There a Word for Female Emasculation?

    Emasculation according to Oxford dictionary, means “to deprive a man of his male role or identity” and “make something or someone weaker or less effective”.

    I have never heard a female equivalent of that word. So I asked my trusty AI if there is a word for that in women, here’s what AI says “Social Context:

    The term “emasculation” carries a strong connotation of taking away power and authority. While women also face attempts to strip away their power, the concept and language around it differ significantly from men”. Hmmm… I call bs on this later part. No the concept of power and authority are the same for all humans. It’s just that our society believes it is the domain of men, not women. 

    My personal experience in social contexts, mainly in my profession, is that power and authority belong to men, while beauty, niceness, nurturance or even fertility belong to women. So while emasculation means stripping a man of his power and authority; defemination, if that word existed, would mean stripping a woman of her beauty, likability, nurturance or fertility. 

    Isn’t that just bunkers?

    Back to the story of the 3 guys and I am beginning to see a common thread. I do like my men coming at me from the front. No back door slide ins, no falling into each other’s genitals, no indirect vagueries about wanting to hang out when what you wanted all along was sex. No that feels deceptive and also signals to me that I can’t trust you. 

    I recently went through a mental catalog of men I feel comfortable (read safe) with and men that I stay away from. Interestingly, those I stay away from overlaps with those I feel a sense of familiarity with. Ah! It always goes back to our fathers, doesn’t it? 

    My father, and the men in the category of “stay away from” have one thing in common. They do not recognize or honor my boundaries. What does that look like? It looks like familiarity that breeds disrespect. It looks like jokingly taking without asking, it looks like not even recognizing that they are taking so they don’t ask, it looks like assumptions of who I am or what I want and it may show up as a generous gesture but to me it feels as much a gift as a steak dinner feels to a caged ferocious lion. I want to F-ing roar, I want to roam the wild forests, I want to find and hunt my prey, I want to feel the surge of pride in my prowess, I want to mark my territory and have all visitors recognize my land and then ask for permission before entering; I want the fear of goddess shaking in your heart when you try to take something that’s mine without asking or try to near my cub. 

    And that is a recognition of my power and authority in a nutshell. That is what the English language has no word for because it believes that what’s between my legs is the final arbiter of whether or not I have power and authority

    Guy 3 asked me, through my tantrika friend, for my contact information. He didn’t say, are you open to sharing your contact? He didn’t say would you like to stay in touch? He didn’t say, would you like me to send you some pictures I took of you? None of that. He just assumed that I would be a yes and all he needed to do was ask my tantrika friend to share it with him. Well, she was wise enough to check in with me and I was a No. He was a fun guy to hang out with and we had some great times out on the playa but back home I am trimming my friend list to only those who recognize the power and authority of this woman; who know to come through the front door- knock, and tell me who they are and what they want. Then wait for my response. And only advance forward if my response is a He*l Yes

  • Burning man- My experience with 3 men

    One of my core intentions for going to burning man was to understand myself. I also wanted to explore the fear that arises for me when men and sexual energy are involved. I am a tantrika. It feels so good to type this out. I have done a lot of personal work to find out who I am as a sexual person. All of this work was done in the company of other women and involved all delicious types of self pleasuring. So imagine my surprise when I went to a co-ed BDSM and tantric weekend only to discover that I felt ungrounded and somewhat afraid because men were in the room and sexual energy was the direct theme of the weekend. Not the side talk or the thing that was in the room while we were focused on something else. Nope, it was the entree and perhaps the side meal and the desert too. 

     When I realized that this was an issue for me, I decided to explore it further. Burning man (or ISTA) seemed like the place for this exploration. As a tantrika (ah!, the feeling never gets old), I asked my fellow tantrikas to recommend a camp for me and one of them mentioned a tantric based camp thhat happens to fit my needs perfectly. It is tantric focused, many of my fellow tantrikas going to burning man would be camping there, a tantrika I trained with, is in the camp leadership and one of my tantric teachers gives a workshop at that camp yearly. So I signed up

      Back to my purpose of going to burning man- to explore the fear that comes up for me when I am in the presence of men and sexual energy combo. This happens to be the center piece of this story. As in any good tantric and sex positive environment, this camp had a mandatory consent training that everyone had to attend. I attended one of them, I imagine everyone else did ….. because it was mandatory

    Now the exploration-

    Guy 1: East coaster, in the alternative relationship scene. I met him while I was in line for lunch. I immediately felt comfortable chatting with him. We made jokes, we shared lunch. We also chatted and he told me all about his family and alternative relationship experience past and present. I was curious and we were both openly sharing and listening. It was great. Towards the end of lunch, he invited me to a couples tantric workshop that was scheduled for later that day. I was hesitant because men and sexual energy for me = fear body. But also, that’s what I came here to explore. So I told him I will think about it and let him know. He told me when he needed me to let him know by…awesome. I felt in my agency and I did not feel pressured or rushed. That felt safe for me. After he left, I thought about it. I felt into my fear and hesitation. Behind my fear was the worry that I may not fully participate in the workshop. He might expect me to be active, and then he would be disappointed. I also wasn’t feeling a deep desire for him. He seemed like a nice interesting guy but I wasn’t that turned on around him. But, I wanted to explore this issue. The tantric couples workshop seemed like the perfect environment. There were lots of people, meaning lots of witnesses. It was a structured activity so I just had to listen to the workshop leader. I could either choose to do what was demonstrated or opt out, but I didn’t have to invent the wheel. I decided I was a yes. I went to his tent area, he was in front of it doing camping chores. I told him I would attend but also shared that I may not be fully participating because I have some fears around it. We didn’t have a deep discussion about my fears, I think he wanted to but it felt too personal to share with a relative stranger. But he did listen. And he told me I only had to participate as much as I wanted to and he’d be ok either way. That felt great. So we went to the workshop together. During the workshop, we sat as couples together. He asked before he came close, he seemed to be listening with his body and mind for my No’s and honoring them. He wanted to kiss on the mouth and he asked first, I was a No. He did not kiss me. I ended up participating more fully with the workshop and with him than I thought I would. It was honestly great to have someone as open, honest and consensual as a partner in this exploration. In my sexual experience with him, I found that within myself, I was scared, sort of like the kind of fear I felt when I was about to sky dive or go on a roller coaster. 2 reasons why I didn’t feel comfortable mouth kissing:

    1. I didn’t know his STI status. That wasn’t part of our conversation 
    2. It felt too much for my fight/flight state to handle. I wanted to deal with one upheaval at a time

    After the workshop, we de-briefed by sharing our experiences of what had just happened. We shared what we loved and what we wanted more of. We also shared what didn’t work for us. For me, I had no complaints. For him, he said mouth kissing is very important to him during sexual intimacy and he was curious (in a vulnerable way) about why I was a No to it. I let him know about reason number 2. Before I left he said he would like to have more similar experiences with me and I said I’d let him know or find him if I wanted to. That’s encounter number one. What I loved about it was that it was consensual, it was open and honest; I could feel his heart and the openness, vulnerability and sharing seemed to be going both ways.

    Guy 2 and Guy 3 are friends: Let’s start with Guy 2. Guy 2 and I had a few conversations in the common area during lunch and dinner (a very common occurrence in this communal camping experience). First time I met him, he was with another camper- their camp names were complimentary, like Tom and Jerry. Anyway, Guy 2 (we’ll call him Tom) told me that I am really cool and he was always seeking me out and very complimentary of me. Usually, that signals to me that a guy is hitting on me but in this environment, it didn’t have the same meaning because we all sought out people and chatted with them in this communal space. Also he seemed benign but definitely not as connected to his heart as Guy 1 and not as open. Not as open in that during our chats, he didn’t share much about his personal life and when he came close to sharing; (like we were talking about how long he’d known his friend Jerry, he shared that they’d camped 10 years ago, Tom’s family with Jerry’s family, and I felt him clamping up as if he was uncomfortable with disclosing much about his personal life). In retrospect, that is something I consider a red flag because it sets up a power dynamic in which I lose touch of a good portion of my agency. None of this necessarily needs to be intentional. I don’t know if his unwillingness to share much about his personal life was intentional or merely a reflection of how comfortable he felt going there with me. Either way, it didn’t matter to me in the context of our connection. We were friendly. That’s the vibe I felt in our relating and tbh, that’s what I wanted based on my level of lack of sexual attraction to him. Friendly, not sexual. We hung out several times during the week including once along with Guy 3 (to be discussed in detail later). The context of this outing was that I ran into Guy 3 when I was preparing to go into the playa alone on an adventure. I stopped to say hi and he told me he and some friends were going to be under the influence and then exploring the playa. I knew I’d go further and see more with company so I decided to join him and his friends. His friends ended up being Tom (Guy 2) and Jerry and Jerry’s girlfriend. We were all under the influence. I had had way less to drink so I was the most sober. Guy 2 (and Guy 3) told me they get extra touchy with people when they are under the influence. I told them that was ok with me and that I would let them know if I was a No to being touched. I noticed Guy 2 and 3 seemed to want me a little less sober but it meant nothing to me because I too wanted to be a little more under the influence as well. We had a great night. We explored the playa, we went to deep playa, we stayed out later than I would have stayed if I was alone. Guy 2 and Guy 3 and I called ourselves the singletons. We all tried to stay together because it’s so easy to get lost in the playa at night. Guy 2 did touch my shoulders a few times but he never tried to touch me sexually. Later Guy 2 and I wanted to head back to camp but the others wanted to stay partying so we left together. We rode our bikes back to camp. Guy 2 told me that I was really cool and he’d love to exchange emails and stay in touch after burning man. I asked him what was his intention with staying in touch, and he said just to stay in contact as friends. I thought, yes I am open to staying in touch as friends so I was a yes to staying in contact. We went on to our respective tents after that. That was the first night I went out with Guy 2. The second night I went out with Guy 2, I wanted to have a less sober experience. We planned to be under the influence and go out to playa. I asked a tantrika friend to join us. Guy 2 wanted to have Guy 3 join us. So we both tried to find Guy 3 but he was no where to be found. The 3 of us, myself, Guy 2 and my tantrika friend set off on our bikes to the playa. I was more under the influence this time and Guy 2 was more sober. It seemed like he was having the least fun out of the 3 of us. The agreement we had on our night out was similar to the one we’d had the last time we went out as a group. We all had a say in where we’d go and if anyone wasn’t feeling a particular activity, they’d speak up and we will leave after 5 minutes. My tantrika friend and I seemed to be having the time of our lives and Guy 2 seemed to be more along for the ride. At some point in the night, Guy 2 and I were alone while my tantrika friend went off to check out an art car. Guy 2 observed that I was more deeply under the influence and so I would likely enjoy a neck massage. I was a yes and so he started massaging my neck but I could sense that the intention was to start getting sexual and I could sense that Guy 2 believed that would be okay either way me because I was under the influence. That was not what we learned at the mandatory consent workshop we all had to attend. What Guy 2 seemed to be wanting to do felt predatory because we had not had any sexual touch before then and it seemed he thought i would be a yes expressly because I was less sober. I told him to keep the neck massage PG. He stopped the neck massage shortly after. I remember thinking it’s weird if his whole thing had been to sleep with me and there I was thinking we were just 2 human platonic friends who enjoyed each other’s company. Guy 2 seemed even less into the adventure after that. Later that night, he made a connection with a woman he met at one of our playa stops and asked if she could join our trio. At first I was fine with it but then I started feeling like decision making was still by the three of us individually except that Guy 2 and his new lady friend were making decisions as a unit. That felt less egalitarian and I was a F No to it. So I hung out a little longer then I left Guy 2, his new lady friend and my tantrika friend at a party and headed back to camp alone. In retrospect, I feel that Guy 2 had the intention of being sexual with me but never mentioned it until I was under the influence then he tried to get a yes from me. I realized all along his compliments were towards this goal of being sexual with me. It felt out of integrity and deceptive and changed the way I saw the entirety of my interactions with him. I felt dehumanized like there was a game I was not aware that I was a pun in and he and Guy 3 were aware of this game they were playing. It just feels sh*tty. I know he wouldn’t treat a woman he respected (like his mom, sister, daughter or real friend that way). I ran into Guy 2 again the next morning. I was leaving that day so we said our good byes. He looked really uncomfortable this time and tripped twice while talking to me. I felt naive. Like how could I not have known that this person was not someone of integrity. How could I have been that naive to think that he only wanted to be friends? Were his earlier compliments merely to butter me up so that I am more receptive to a sexual encounter with him?

     Guy 3- friend of Guy 2. I met Guy 3 also at camp. After day 1 or 2, I was needing some space holding. So I went out to the common area and ran into Guy 3. We got to chatting and I asked if he was open to holding space for me in a structured space holding spiritual practice so I could digest some stuff that was coming up for me. He was a yes so we planned to meet at the tent that was set up for spiritual practices (I know. This camp is so luxurious in the best ways. We had a tent-no a yurt- set up in the middle of the desert, just for spiritual practices). I met Guy 3 in the yurt. We sat down, monk style, facing each other but with a little distance between us (so not in yab yum) and I explained the space holding practice to him, something I learned from Mama Gena of the School of womanly arts and a practice I do on most days with someone from my tantric sisterhood. Guy 3 opted to hold space first for me and then after I am done, I hold space for him. We started the structured practice but he wasn’t quite adhering to the practice, and in fact went into teaching and fixing mode, which imo, is what you are not supposed to do in a space holding practice. To his credit, I didn’t redirect him so he may have been unaware. It felt like too much energy to redirect him so I let him try to fix and teach and took the benefit of having a space to digest stuff. It’s interesting to me now looking back at it that when it came to his turn he said he didn’t need space holding. At the time it felt to me like he was not open to being that vulnerable but also I felt a power dynamic there. Like he wanted to be the person holding space but not the person being held. Another way of putting it is, he wasn’t comfortable airing his inner laundry- dirty or clean. Again a red flag for me because it sets up a dynamic that does not foster my sense of agency. I should also tell you, dear reader, that I am into BDSM. And in my BDSM practices, one of the most effective ways of setting up a dominant vs submissive power dynamic is for the dominant person to stay opaque while the other is transparent. It’s not a bad thing but it’s something that requires consciousness/awareness especially on the part of the person being transparent. It’s like going to a swimming pool with a bikini on and the other is in a full business suit, staying out of the water and watching you swim. That’s how it feels in my body. It didn’t matter to me at the time because the way I saw it, Guy 3 was being generous in holding space for me and I have no requirement that he shares with me his inner world if he doesn’t want to. But that for me was a F No to doing this practice with him again. I was grateful to have him hold space for me. That was one of my initial meetings with Guy 3. Then I ran into him briefly and exchanged greetings a few times. On a separate occasion, a tantrika friend (same one that went out as a trio with Guy 2 and myself), invited me to go out with her to explore playa and Guy 3 happened to be exploring with her so all 3 of us went out together on a friendly adventure. Now back to the night of my outing with Guy 2 (Tom), his friend Jerry, Jerry’s girlfriend, and Guy 3. We were all under the influence but Guy 2 and 3 were way less sober than I was. Guy 3 had also told me he gets touchy when he is under the influence (now in retrospect I wonder if Guy 2 and Guy 3 use this line to set up a situation where they go sexual with women in the guise of being “more touchy” when they are under the influence). Anyway, on this playa adventure, Guy 3 tried times to create some intimacy between us that felt fake and forced. Like he would come really close to me or start laughing really hard at something that wasn’t that funny but then fall into me while laughing. I felt like I was trying to keep a distance from him so that my personal space was not invaded. But yeah, that was the extent of my night with Guy 3 in a nutshell. Him being touchy and me keeping my distance. Wanting to be friendly but not intimate or sexual with him. The morning of my departure (right after my night out with Guy 2 and my tantrika friend), I ran into Guy 3 while trying to procure breakfast. We talked about what we did the night before and I told him about my night out with Guy 2 and my tantrika friend and how we were looking for him so that he could join us. I also added that this time I was under the influence and just as influenced as I wanted to be unlike the night we went out and I was very sober. I guess that meant something to him because he became quite friendly and definitely more intimate with me. First I was trying to make breakfast and he offered to make it for me along with his and also wash the utensils. I thought that was very generous and thanked him but then he grabbed my butt. I moved away but felt cheap and violated. It was af if communicating that I went out with Guy 2 and I was under the influence, meant that I consented to be treated in that sexual, intimate and objectified way. I still regret that I didn’t say “That’s not okay” or some other way of boundary setting. I just felt thrown off because he was at once being generous to make me breakfast but also at the same breath, violating my sexual boundaries by grabbing my butt. I felt frozen at the time and later whenever I think of it I feel anger. Anger relating to having my boundaries violated. To being treated like a thing. It so feels like there is a conversation about predatory behavior towards women that he and Guy 2 have engaged in and I am not the friend I thought I was but a pun in this predatory game. In retrospect I wonder if Guy 2 wanted Guy 3 on the adventure with us because it gave him a wing man effect in trying to get sexual with me. Again I want to ask, is that the same hand that you hug your mom with? Something about this behavior makes me wonder if they would treat their loved female friends and family this way or be okay with another guy treating their loved female friends and family in this way. 

      It always comes back to consent. What does consent mean in a culture where sexual relations and sexual activity is very often fallen into and not spoken of before hand? A culture where not speaking is actually the way to do sexual connection? The consent workshop we had was centered around what is a yes?, what is a No?; a maybe is a No and an equivocating yes is a No. The only yes is a fuck yes. We also talked about the fact that you can’t give consent when you are under the influence but I get the idea that men like Guy 2 and Guy 3 (and tbh, most men and women) never have a consent conversation before most sexual contact and activity. It’s more like a slow progression of body closeness, laughingly getting handsy, then onto massages or butt grabs and then to sexual touch/intercourse. In consent education, is there need for an explicit conversation about what the process of obtaining a Yes is? I feel there is. I am a big one for not criticizing someone for doing the wrong thing when you didn’t let them know what the right thing to do is and also that telling someone what NOT TO DO isn’t the same thing or even nearly as effective as telling them what TO DO. I love conscious and sex positive spaces because they see these conversations as necessary and normal. And now, my next step, as the tantrika that I am and a full member of this burning man camp, is to modify the consent workshop to include how to obtain consent. I love the RBDSM acronym that I heard is taught at ISTA and I learned from a guy in my BDSM space. I know it is used a lot in the conscious relationship environments as well. RBDSM stands for: 

    Relationship: your current relationships and any agreements you have with any partners

    Boundaries: clearly state any physical or behavioral acts that are off limits for you 

    Desires: Express what you are looking for and what you would like to experience during the encounter you are about to have

    Sexual health: Be transparent about your sexual health including any STI testing date/results, any STIs you have and contraception use

    Meaning: what would this encounter mean to you? A casual encounter, the start of something serious or something in between? 

    There is a last part that I don’t think is a part of the acronym but is important to add which is Aftercare: what do you need after the encounter? It can be alone time, it can be a cuddle, it can be to just say Hi if you run into each other next time. And this can end up being something to be negotiated as my need for something doesn’t mean another has the desire or capability or capacity to provide that to me. If we can’t come to an agreement on our aftercare needs then it may mean that we call off the encounter all together

     As for Guy 2 and 3, I do believe they need to be talked to via a more comprehensive consent workshop about the process of obtaining consent. If they violate it again, they need to be banned from the camp. I haven’t talked to them about any of this beyond what I narrated above and this is where my personal growth edge is, learning to communicate with people directly during or after an encounter where I believe consent was violated. To let them know what actions violated my consent and how to show up next time. My sense is that if I approached them, they will get defensive and deny any wrong doing. I partly get it and I am not in the business of throwing out people who misbehave but I am in the business of better education and if misbehavior happens again, swift removal from conscious, sex positive spaces. Looking at my encounter with Guy 1, I am proud of myself (and him) for the way we navigated the sexual encounter we had- with an open vulnerable and listening heart. It’s not always easy, it certainly was edgy for me but I wouldn’t want my sexual encounters any other way.